Malaysia
Penang
I was just casually walking down the road taking in the Street Art and only mildly aware of the sound of the beating drum when I bumped into a guy holding a chicken in a plastic bag. I apologised before noticing the half naked guy to my left sat on a stool and actually realising how loud the drum was. The bag man and half naked man didn’t look too pleased with me so I hurried along before looking back to witness half naked guy snap the chickens neck and drink its blood. Apparently I had just interrupted some sort of ritual. The ritual didn’t go too well for the chicken. I was brought back to reality by the sound of Lyvette gagging round the corner at what we had just seen. Welcome to Malaysia.
Our three days in Penang were spent eating street food, hiking to Monkey Beach at the National Park (Lyvette didn’t like it here because it had some whopping wasps), watching a film in an old bus depot and getting really excited at the sight H&M. I got that excited I bought some shorts that didn’t fit me.
Langkawi
A very nice tax free island where I bought a nice new Casio watch (my trusty Decathlon watch has finally died) which lasted less than four days and turned out to definitely not be waterproof. This was also the place where we saw the most beautiful beach so far (in my opinion) and we sat drinking our smoothies and Lyvette enjoying her tuna sandwich. The tuna sandwich it seemed attracted the birds. That’s ok, we don’t mind birds and although they fly Lyvette isn’t too bothered about them. Until they tried to attack her tuna butty. Then one meowed while the other one started oinking. This (obviously) baffled us because we’ve never heard birds make cat and pig noises whilst hunting a human for a tuna butty. As Lyvette ran around the table wafting her sandwich and being chased by the cat-pig-birds I sat trying to remember if my budgie had ever pretended to be a cat. Or a pig. It hadn’t. There was another question for Google.
That night I discovered we probably weren’t going to sleep very well because my pillow felt like it was filled with hard boiled eggs and Lyvette’s mattress was shaped like a banana (again). Because I couldn’t sleep I decided to go for a run, but thought it wise to check out the light situation outside first. It was still a bit dark so I thought I’d wait it out and go back to bed, resting my head on my hard boiled eggs for a while longer. So I clambered back into my bunk (in the dark) to the sound of a girl screaming. I nearly had a heart attack when I realised I’d accidently got into bed with a Chinese girl and tried to strip her covers off her, accidently touching her up in the process. I panicked that much I jumped up, muttered my apologies and then ran into the wall. Causing another toenail to fall off.
Cameron Highlands
We thought that the route to the Cameron Highlands would take us through a high risk malaria area and we’d stopped taking our malaria tablets in Thailand, so we panicked. Dressed like mummies we boarded the bus careful not to make eye contact with any mosquitoes and doing our best not to look delicious and edible. There was no need as we’d got the areas mixed up.
We went to the Highlands because it’s renowned for trekking and tea plantations and I like tea. And we wanted to do some exercise. On arrival we got told not to trek on Route 9 because of the man with the knife mugging people. I don’t know how real the man with the knife actually was but we continued to spread the rumours to other travellers we bumped into, “avoid Route 9 –there’s a man with a knife. He will definitely kill you.”
On our second day of trekking we went with another girl from our dorm. We’d known her two hours and Lyvette had to turn back with a migraine after she’d been sick on a snake and I had to poo in the woods. I tried really hard not to poo but when I got PPP (pre poo pains) I knew things were not going to end well. I had to tell the girl to continue and not look back as I positioned my bottom over the edge of the cliff. That poor snake did not have much luck that day…
Perhentians
Some pretty islands where the only things to do are dive, snorkel and nothing. We deliberately came here after a few days trekking hoping we’d be tired and able to relax. This was going well until I was wandering from our bungaloo to meet Lyvette on the beach, occasionally glancing at my non toenail and whistling to myself, when I started because I realised my path was blocked by an alligator. I looked at the alligator and it looked at me. There wasn’t room for the both of us on this path, and it was massive. Maybe it was actually a T-Rex. Anyway I did what most sane people would do and leap frogged it and ran like billyo back to Lyvette panting and trying to tell her that we had an alligator on the loose and she needed to be careful. Meanwhile, Lyvette was having problems of her own, as I returned to find her running around in circles screaming and fly-fitting because ‘the thing’ was back from Vietnam. You remember the one that attacked James at the sand dunes? ‘The thing’ had apparently headbutted her which she was not happy about in the slightest. So our paths crossed as she ran back to the bungalow away from ‘the thing’ and I ran to the beach away from the alligator. Twenty minutes later she returned “I’ve just seen a dinosaur! An actual dinosaur! And it’s friends with ‘The Thing’!!!”After all the excitement we burnt our bums.
The next day we went snorkelling. We saw some sharks (only small ones) and we named our boat driver Shark Watcher because he could find them better than us, so we just followed him around. We also went to Fish Point where Lyvette partook in some fish-fitting when Shark Watcher threw bread on her head which attracted all the fish. I thought she was having a seizure. Then we visited Turtle Bay where I got so excited by the turtle that I got my flipper caught and fell off the boat.
Kuala Lumpur
Ok, so I was in charge of booking our accommodation in KL following Lyvette’s attempt at the Full Moon and booking it for the wrong month. I found us an amazing (and cheap) hostel with a pool, bar and kitchen right near the nightlife. Perfect, I thought. On arrival in KL we couldn’t find our perfect accommodation. Then we realised it was in Columbia. On the other side of the world. I did wonder why Google Maps told me it would take 2 years to walk there…
We managed to find ourselves good accommodation in the correct country in the end and I was especially pleased because the lockers were big, which meant there was more room for my ever important poncho collection and other things such as flip flops. I did however nearly have a breakdown when I realised I’d lost my bobble bag (which usually lives in the safe). My bobble bag contains really important things like bobbles and hair grips. No grips meant my fringe had leeway to go wild. And wild it did. It went so wild it attracted a man in a bar who left us his number on a tissue after telling Lyvette he sold bombs to the Malaysian Government for a living. We legged it.
We felt the need to share this experience with and befriend the three other people in our dorm – Germany, Sweden and Lee (Lee’s a girl btw) and Germany and Sweden aren’t actually called Germany and Sweden in case you were wondering – that’s just where they’re from. We had a lot of really intellectual conversations such as;
“Do you speak French in Sweden?”
“No. We speak Swedish”
“Would you rather pretend to be a carrot under a bed or become a chicken?”
“Which bed?”
“Any bed”
“And a chicken or a shark?”
No I don’t get it either, but this went on all day until Germany set his 5.30am alarm to catch his flight home and then forgot his pants and went to the wrong airport.
Then we were excited to find that two of the Leeds lads from Koh Phangan had arrived at our hostel, we were very excited that Team Anti-Orus were back together (stemming back from Koh Phangan when I thought a sabre toothed tiger was called an Anteourus). Then came the arrival of Joe, our friend from India. Joe is posh and lives in Cheshire by the way. He arrived just in time for the protests, as all the roads were shut and police lined the streets. That night we were going to Sky Bar which meant Joe needed some shoes so H&M became our target. This meant running through the surge of protestors, but we knew we could make it. What we didn’t know was that we would end up leading a Malaysian riot with Joe fist pumping and shouting “Malaysia! Yeah Malaysia” at everyone in sight. The excitement got to his head and he purchased his shoes from the children’s section. They didn’t fit. Which he soon realised when he tried to walk to Sky Bar that night wearing Lyvette’s socks and shoes made for an eight year old. He made it 50 metres down the road walking like he had wooden legs. So the reason we got a taxi was because Joe’s shoes were too small. After watching him sup champagne at the most expensive bar in Asia we later found out he’d been busking with some homeless people outside KFC until one of them apparently wafted a knife at him and he became distraught because he thought ISIS were after him. He ran back in his baby shoes:
“Lyvette, Lyvette…ISIS are after me!!! But…I need chicken”
“Lyvette…I’m scared, can you take me to get some chicken?”
It was 4am and we hadn’t been to sleep yet and we had to leave for our flight to Singapore at 6am.
“Lyvette….??”
“Yes Joe?”
“Can you come to the toilet with me…I’m scared”
This led to him beating me with an umbrella to wake me up so I would walk to KFC with him because he was still in desperate need of a chicken fix. Lyvette was more concerned that her socks would get stolen and she would finally have to wield her knife at something other than a bus.
We didn’t get much sleep in KL so it was a long day heading to Singapore, made worse by Lyvette’s new obsession with Tiger Balm which means our nostrils are now destroyed and we had a bad day when she accidently got it on her woo and I in my eye, so I couldn’t see and she couldn’t sit still. Perfect for a flight…
Singapore – F1
“Excuse me Miss, do you have a knife in your bag?”
We exchanged looks (well I tried but could only squint with one non-Tiger Balm infested eye). So we had to stand in the middle of Singapore airport with Lyvette rummaging through her bag, throwing her new H&M underwear everywhere trying to find her knife. Apparently you can enter Singapore with a knife as big as you like, but it’s illegal to have one with a flick button. So we got escorted to the Customs police;
“Excuse me Miss what is the purpose of this knife?”
“Errr…cutting mangos and wielding it at buses”. Perfect answer I thought.
Eventually they let us go but now Lyvette is knifeless. Which she is upset about because she used her knife so often…
That night I met up with my Loughborough triathlon friend, Hollie, who now lives in Singapore. The last time this happened we turned up for training (as professional athletes do) with sick in our hair so we decided to be much more civilised this time. And by civilised I mean wetting myself when Backstreet Boys came on, getting my fringe out and watching Hollie in the back of the party bus with her legs in the air. The people of Singapore loved it. There was however no sick in anybody’s hair, which is progression. After getting in at 4pm and heading straight out to the F1 and gig after I was so tired I actually think I fell asleep watching Maroon 5. Or maybe it was after effects of the Tiger Balm, who knows.
Sunday – after meeting Hollie for cheese and wine (because we’re civilised like that) we headed to the F1 with Lyvette jumping around like an excited mad woman (although she looked pretty similar when she got Tiger Balm on her woo). I didn’t know what was going on but decided that it didn’t matter because it was still a good atmosphere and Bon Jovi was playing afterwards. Hollie managed to keep her feet firmly on the floor this time and myself and Lyvette found a space in the crowd to do some epic crab style dancing. This was going well until something fell from the sky and nearly knocked me unconscious. It felt like a brick landing on my head. Naturally no one believed me, Bon Jovi rocked on like nothing had happened, Lyvette was still dancing like a crab and I was left dazed and confused. Until a guy ran over;
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…I threw a chewing at your head”
“A chewing gum?! Made of what? Stone?”
“Well it was a packet of Wrigley’s actually. And I kind of want them back, can you look for them?”
No. That’s what happens when you launch chewing gum at people’s heads. Eventually I accepted his apology, until he stole my camera. Nobody likes a thief who throws chewing gum at peoples heads. So I took the natural course of action and began to pat him down. He obviously didn’t mind this as he was getting groped in the middle of a field. Lyvette stopped crab dancing and his friends all stood watching me…
Lyvette: “ Hev…what are you doing?”
Me: “He’s got my camera in his pocket”
Chewing Gum Thrower: “I haven’t! But feel free to carry on…”
Chewing Gum Thrower’s Friend: “Actually I think your camera is in my pocket…”
My camera was in my bag. That was awkward. I walked off sheepishly accepting his apology for the chewing gum throwing. For someone who avoids physical contact this was not an ideal situation.
The Importance of Burger King
We were leaving for the airport to catch our flight to Indonesia at 9am the next day. We got in at 9.30am, cue a mad rush to pack and get to the airport. We got to check in where the woman at the desk asked us if we had return flights from Bali. We didn’t because we’re planning to go to Aus but don’t know when yet. She then refused to check us in. Lyvette wanted Burger King.
Woman: “You can’t go without a return flight. It’s not allowed.”
Lyvette: “I want Burger King”
Me: “What?! But we don’t know what date we’re going to leave yet”
Woman: “You’ll have to book a flight now. Just book one back to Singapore, or anywhere. You have 10 minutes before check in closes”
Lyvette: “I want Burger King”
The internet didn’t work. The queue to purchase tickets was about 10km long and we had a connecting flight in Indonesia that we weren’t sure if we’d actually booked or not. But more importantly, Lyvette wanted Burger King (she was still drunk). So we pretended we’d booked a flight and went to see another check in woman. She let us through. We had 20 minutes before the gate closed to get through security and obviously Lyvette decided this was the perfect time to head to Burger King. And Singapore airport is not small. Amazingly we made the gate before it closed. We were the last people on the flight and we entered with Lyvette wiping bits of Whopper from her chops. Once on the plane they announced that any illegal objects found on a person could result in ‘the maximum penalty of death’. At least we’d already got rid of the flip knife…
Indonesia – the arrival
We arrived at Jakarta airport. We wanted another flight (that we may or may not have booked) from Jakarta to Bali. At the immigration office we were quizzed again:
Officer: “How long are you in Indonesia for?”
Me: “A month”
Officer: “Where are you going next?”
Me: “Perth”
Officer: “When?”
Me: “21st October”
Officer: “Can I see your tickets to Perth?”
Me: “No. They’re on my email”
My drama degree came in handy (we have no idea if we are going to Perth) and I just hoped I was speaking loudly enough and Lyvette was now sober enough to hear the conversation. What we didn’t need was for her to tell him we were going back to Singapore in three days time.
As it turned out we hadn’t booked a flight to Bali but eventually they gave us one, we went to the ATM, Lyvette got the equivalent of 50p out of the cash machine and tried to pay for her flight with it (she was thinking in Malaysian Ringgit) and we finally arrived in Bali wondering where the last 24 hours had actually gone.
All we know is we really need to stop travelling off no sleep, Singapore was epic, Hollie rides the Party Bus with her legs in the air, Lyvette is never allowed Burger King again and chewing gum bloody hurts when it is thrown at your head!
