They call it Incredible India.

Our last days in Incredible India were very pleasant if truth be told. After leaving the bamboo and mosquitoes and finally reaping the benefits that air con after has to offer (mainly being that you don’t wake up hotter than the sun looking like you’ve been for a midnight swim) in our Mumbai apartment we spent time sightseeing, creating homemade mojito’s (they didn’t taste ideal) and testing the bars. We said goodbye to John and his holey crotch (see previous blog) and Lyvette finally cracked and checked us into a 5 star hotel. I can safely say this was the poshest place I have ever stayed in my life. I’m not sure we fitted in wearing our travelling clothes. Everyone else wore suits and dresses and we roamed around looking like we’d been to a pick and mix at a laundrette. We didn’t care. Lyvette was so excited about having a bath and I was so excited by the treadmill that we hit the all you can eat buffet and ate that much that I actually vomited and she couldn’t remove herself from the bath.

As there was only a glass screen between the bathroom and bed I had to sit and watch her loofah-ing her rear end (whilst wearing a shower cap) as did everyone else in the hotel as she had forgotten to draw the curtains to the window that looked across all of the other balconies. I didn’t use my sanitiser in that hotel, the pocket knife was only used for cutting mangos and our time in India ended on a high. Especially when we nicked the toothpaste.

Some very important things that we learnt about India:

• Always carry a knife. You will not use it but carry it all the same. It comes in useful for cutting mangos and pretending you may use it on safari.
• Never get an Indian haircut. Ever. No matter how much it costs you. You will end up with a fringe. And not a good one. We speak from experience.
• There are no prizes for patience. Ever.
• You have to take your life in your hands if you are to cross the road. That first step into the traffic takes a lot of guts and it will result in a game of chicken but if you don’t take it you will never leave the pavement. Under no circumstances will anyone ever stop to let you cross. You could waste your life waiting for that moment. Which means less time for munching samosa butties.
• If you go on a camel safari it isn’t necessary to take 20 litres of water. Just saying.
• Before heading to India practise peeing everywhere. You’ll need the experience.
• Always try and sit with an Indian family on the train. They will without a doubt feed you. And Indian women can cook.
• Be aware that £1.50 pants can and most likely will rip, generally in the crotch area. Please note: rippage may be enhanced by extreme activities such as sliding down tombs and squatting.
• The ladies only carriage on the trains are lethal, don’t do it. Ladies on trains scare us. It’s like having a pack of wild dogs descend on you at feeding time. But worse. I’d rather get a £1.50 Indian haircut everyday for the rest of my life than enter the ladies only carriage.
• Part of the requirement for entry into this country is ‘chapatti acceptance’. If you can’t appreciate chapatti, and more importantly can’t bring yourself to eat them for breakfast, dinner and tea, then quite frankly you need to turn around and go back home. You are not welcome here.
• ELD’s (Emergency Lie Down’s) are extremely common. You will constantly find bodies strewn across the floor, as far as the eye can see, especially at train stations. Feel free to join them. Or long jump over them. Just don’t misjudge it and land on someone’s head.

They call it Incredible India. I’m not quite sure who ‘they’ are but it’s written everywhere. Everywhere in India that is so it must be true.  And we agree. ‘We’ being myself and Lyvette. We could think of lots of words to describe India and incredible is a good one. We were sad to leave such a diverse and unpredictable place. And especially sad to leave the Tuk Tuk’s (apparently they do worldwide Tuk Tuk racing so we may get involved). Thailand Tuk Tuk’s just aren’t the same. We have learnt that anything can happen in India, and nothing surprises us anymore.

India is good and it is bad. It is rich and it is poor, deceptive and trustworthy. It is corrupt and it is loyal, kind and mean. It is everything you could ever think of. And more. It quickly became one of my favourite places.

We have enjoyed our time in this country immensely and met some amazing people from all walks of life on the way. I didn’t come travelling to ‘find myself’. I feel like I know myself pretty well already but I can’t help but feel like India may have taught me things about myself that I don’t even know yet. It has definitely allowed us to meet people that could restore anybody’s faith in humanity, allowed us to meet people that will give everything  though they have nothing.

It has taught Lyvette how to deal with flappy things – her fly-fitting is now much better and less frequent and it has taught me how to put up a mosquito net, survive scooter rides with Lyvette and how to fit 18 people in a Tuk Tuk.

But most of all it has taught us be grateful.

India we have enjoyed your company. You are like no other. Thank you.