“Enjoy. Most people live without living”
The latest message from Uncle Marl. Well actually that’s a lie, his latest message came just after I’d told him about my new job and it read “Call centres, no no, get sacked”. And Uncle Marl knows his s**t. He always comes out with words of wisdom at appropriate times does Uncle Marl (as you can probably tell). His name isn’t even Marl in case you’re wondering, it’s actually Mark but he’s not very good at technology and quite often his fat fingers type his name wrong at the end of messages, so henceforth he will be known as Marl. Marl the bringer of excellent advice.
Anyway, it’s been a while since we updated the world on our adventures around the globe and my conversation with Uncle Marl and his words of encouragement about my new job prompted me to take the plunge and divulge some information. We are now in Sydney. We’ve been here 6 weeks and when we stepped off the plane it was minus 120000 degrees. Or that’s what it felt like. It was probably 23 degrees but who cares, it was cold compared to Indonesia. And we realised we definitely needed to upgrade our wardrobe.
From the airport we headed straight to Bondi where my friend Rob and his housemate Pete welcomed us into their apartment for the week. Their sofa’s still have our body shapes moulded into them. We spent the week exploring the beach, watching Netflix and Lyvette spent 3 days in Vodafone. We also had to raid Rob’s wardrobe because we had no clothes. I claimed his hoodie and spent every living minute in it. It went well with my sarong. We also learnt that Sydney flies are one of a kind, nothing scares them. They will literally just sit on your face, or your shoulder, or anywhere for that matter until you physically peel them off, they just don’t care. Lyvette hates them. And I’m beginning to wish them all dead and think of excruciating ways of punishing them for their cocky behaviour that usually takes place on my forehead. We visited the sights of the city and by the Weds myself and Lyvette were so exhausted by an entire 2 days of job hunting that we hit the happy hour wines at the beach. Rob didn’t help the situation by joining us and the next thing we knew we were waking Pete up and forcing him to get his guitar out (that’s not a metaphor by the way).
The next day I woke up and couldn’t see. My first thought was that I was still in Indonesia and had blindness caused by methanol poisoning but then I realised I had Rob’s hoodie on backwards so my face was in darkness. That day we had to do our Responsible Service to Alcohol (RSA) course (a requirement if you are to work in a bar) which was quite ironic considering we stank of booze and couldn’t see straight. The course was pants and wasn’t helped by the highly irritating girl from Devon who sat behind us. She wasn’t funny. At all. And she just didn’t know when to shut the hell up. At one point she actually said “my humour is wasted on these people” (her humour was wasted because it was shit) at which point I nearly grabbed her by the throat and stabbed her eyes out with my pen, before exterminating her with my methanol breath. Except I was too hungover for such agile movements. We were so glad when that course was over we headed home to join Rob and Pete for some Netflix action. We were just hitting the climax of the film when the cockroach entered my shorts and ran towards my ninni. Naturally I jumped so high I head butted the ceiling and threw myself onto the highest thing I could find which turned out to be the sofa, with Rob on it. Nobody could understand how the film had scared me that much…
Then we job hunted some more. We went for interviews dressed in very inappropriate attire such as hareem pants with holes in the crotch and once-white-t shirts now stained by Asia. We had limited clothing and no money to buy more. Finally someone called me and offered me an interview;
“So when you come for your interview ask for Sebastian”
“Ok, are you Sebastian?”
“No honey Sebastian is a man’s name. I’m called Lisa”
Awkward silence soon to be followed by my nervous giggles. The giggles got uncontrollable.
Not a good start. The interview didn’t go too well by the way. Mainly because I couldn’t take Sebastian seriously due to the two flies duelling on his face. We went to celebrate my not getting that job by going for food with Lyvette wearing her India pants with the holes in the crotch and myself in Rob’s hoodie and my matching sarong and disgusting Asia walking sandals (you’d forgotten about them bad boys hadn’t you?!) the only items of clothing we seemed to have.
We finally left Rob and Pete to reclaim their sofa’s and moved into a hostel round the corner where somebody did the unthinkable and stole our olive oil. It was the most expensive thing we owned. Honesty, it was like the world had ended. So we went for a night out and the bouncer took his RSA course way too seriously and didn’t let me in the club, claiming I was too drunk. He has clearly never lost his olive oil.
Then we both got jobs in call centres and bars (different ones) which was good. Until I realised I was crap at sales, probably because I was offering customers “discharge” instead of “discounts” and I spent the entire first day innocently prancing around with a hole in my crotch (they weren’t even pants from India) and Lyvette realised that getting shouted at all day by angry customers could be quite challenging and this has led her to consume large quantities of wine on a daily basis. We also moved into the city to see what this was like and started flat hunting. In 5 weeks we stayed in 8 hostels and on 1 sofa. It was at our 3rd hostel we met the Bolton Boys and Leo stank the room out with his cheesy feet. He then claimed the only way to keep them smelling fresh was to wash them with hair conditioner and dab it off with tissue. It’s hard to take someone seriously when they’re telling you this with bits of toilet roll stuck between their toes.
It’s been fun though, we’ve had some good times. Like when I walked into a bus stop, Rob’s parents took me and Pete out for a posh meal where we couldn’t pronounce anything on the menu, I joined a boot camp in the park and came back with a fly covered rash and the night we spent 2 hours waiting for our roommates to stop hogging the bathroom until we discovered they weren’t actually in the bathroom. We’ve been making the most of being in one place and trying to throw ourselves back into city life. We’ve finally found a flat which is good as it means no more moving and an actual kitchen with an actual oven. It even came with free cockroaches. To be fair though we had more luck than Leo who viewed a flat that took him through the kitchen of a chinese takeaway and then got told if he wanted a shower he’d have to join a gym…
I’m hopefully starting surfing lessons next week which I’m excited about – my instructor has promised me he’ll fend off the sharks. We are both getting used to working again and starting to enjoy being back in the real world (I totally just lied by the way – no one enjoys the real world). The sun has also come out which excites me a lot and Sydney has some nice sights and a bit of something for everyone. I’m totally into its macadamia nuts and Lyvette loves a bit of #WildWednesday. So as it stands we’re doing our best to follow Uncle Marl’s advice (not the bits about getting sacked). We’re now earning some money and trying to save to continue our adventures up the east coast, whilst actually making the most of our time in Sydney. We have purchased hole-less pants and I’m deciding whether or not to spend my commission on importing some corn flavoured crisps from Indonesia while Lyvette is currently attempting to master the art of walking in heels again and wondering if her savings will allow her next glass of wine whilst currently inspecting the mammonth rash that has developed on her thigh. Uncle Marl will be pleased, we really are living! You never know we might actually be able to afford some deodorant soon…
Oh and I almost forgot to tell you, we finally had another hair cut! We refused to get another Indian fringe that made us look like we’d stepped out of Wayne’s World so this time we went up market. We opted to get the traveller in with her butchers knives and nail scissors. Naturally we had to make do with straddling the hostel toilet while she hacked away at our luscious locks.
I now have a bowl head and Lyvette is sporting a mohican. But whatever, YOLO. Because at least we know we’re keeping Uncle Marl happy and not living without living…
