Noosa

A friend we met in Bali kindly drove us from Brisbane to Noosa, although we spent the first hour of our journey going round in circles as Google Maps refused to play ball. Not that I’m complaining – I like circles. I didn’t, however appreciate the fact that Justin drove a ridiculously high truck that required a ladder and/or a running jump to get in or out.

Noosa was pretty chilled. I spent a lot of time running through the national park and the main point of interest was the live singer/guitarist who was singing Justin Beiber. He was pretty good until he forgot the words.

“Is it too late now to say sorry? Something, something, something, something…”

JB would not be happy but to be fair to him he forgot the words with confidence. Then I smelt aftershave (a rarity for a backpacker) and discreetly sniffed the boy wearing it. Until I got a tap on the shoulder, “Excuse me…why are you sniffing my friend?”…that was awkward. Then some Brazilian introduced himself as Hero. And as Lyvette attempted to steal his friends cap he attached himself to my ear. His tongue went further and further down my lobe. Not in a good way. I shook him off but he hung on in there.

“Lyvette! Lyvette! I have a Hero attached to my lobe!! And not in a good way” I shouted.
She didn’t care, she was too busy doing a runner with her new item of clothing.

We then got the bus from Noosa to Rainbow Beach, the stop for Fraser Island. And lucky us, we got Captain No Fun for a bus driver again. He was a delight to be around.

Fraser Island

This is where the fun began (again) as we packed up our 4×4’s and headed to Fraser, armed with numerous  6 litre boxes of goon (aka shit wine). Our tour guide was called Bretto, short for Brett (his words) and so he could see that we’d understood his commands over the walkie talkie when in our vehicles he’d shout ‘finger me!’ and we’d have to give him the finger out of the windows. It started as a very civilised affair with us visiting Lake Macquarie.

And then we got back to camp and all hell broke loose. We were on a campsite staying in tents which as you can imagine is Lyvette’s worse nightmare. She decided the only way she’d be able to sleep for the duration of the camp was to drink so much goon she knocked herself out. She stuck to her plan. Literally. I didn’t realise it was possible for someone to fall off the floor but apparently it is. She landed on her face because she was so drunk she couldn’t put her arms out. I woke up the next morning with a pain in my back, no belongings and wearing someone else clothes. The tent was wide open and Lyvette was next to me naked and sleeping diagonally across the tent with a busted lip. As I ventured out of the tent I found my clothes scattered around the campsite, my flip flops on the beach and my camera in a different tent. My shorts were dangling from the electricity cable. And apparently I’d fallen off a table around the time Lyvette had fallen off the floor.  Then Chris approached me, “Heather…do you remember sticking your finger up my bum last night?” I didn’t but in my heart of hearts I knew he wasn’t making this up…

Our Fraser family consists of a varied group of people including Felix and Ed who are the two poshest people we have ever met. Felix even has a triple barrel name (like, is that even a thing?!) I obviously can’t pronounce it. Their poshness exceeded expectations with the following comments;

“This steak is alarmingly small” (alarmingly small?!)
“I have to floss every evening because I’m frightfully prone to gum disease”
“Crikey, I’d rather eat my pinkie finger!”

Alarmingly is our new favourite word and as a side note they may be posh but they weren’t for giving us any clothes and Ed’s towel stank of horse manure that had been left to fragment in a pool of urine for eight years and then rubbed on wet dog. He also couldn’t beat me at the moo game.

The second day we drove around checking out the sights with our Fraser Family and Bretto short for Brett shouting ‘finger me!’ before hitting the camp club which was a wooden hut with a usb port. Lyvette got so drunk again she couldn’t walk and when Paul refused to carry her she clung onto his front, “its ok, I’ll be like a koala…you won’t even know I’m here”. Because apparently that’s what koalas do. Then I woke up the next morning with her foot in my mouth. Every time I removed it she just put it back again, “FFS Lyvette get your foot out of my mouth, it’s alarmingly irritating and why are you sleeping diagonally?!”

Our Fraser family named myself and Lyvette ‘the two crazy aunts’ because we are frightfully old, got drunk and asked embarrassing questions. We don’t know what they’re talking about if we’re honest. Honestly, children nowadays.

Whitsundays

After Fraser we headed to 1770 for a few days of chilling before hitting Airlie Beach and going on our Whitsundays tour. It was as beautiful as everyone says. The only thing I wasn’t sure about was we had to wear stinger suits every time we went in the water and these just did not fit. My crotch was alarmingly saggy.

When we were snorkelling they had food to attract the fish. One of the guys was treading water de-steaming his mask when I threw the food at his face. This caused him to get fish slapped numerous times. It was comical to watch so I did it again, a few times. Then the fish food accidently went in someone’s mouth and he nearly choked to death in the middle of the ocean wearing a saggy stinger suit. What a way to go…

The trip was amazing and we had a great time drinking goon, watching the sunset, snorkelling, visiting some of the whitest sand in the world and watching the dolphins play around the boat. I also got bitten by a fish with teeth. This was frightfully unexpected.

Next we’re having a couple of chilled days before heading to Cairns for the final stop of our East Coast travels. We’re meeting up with our Fraser Family here and some people from our Whitsundays tour and that’s where this crazy aunt will celebrate her 30^th. We can only guess how many stories that will entail…

But for now in the words of Bretto short for Brett…Finger Me!*

Note – it is not advisable for one to shout ‘Finger Me’ when outside of Fraser Island because people can and will get the wrong impression. And that can lead to an alarmingly awkward situation.