Guys, meet Tony.

Tony works as cabin crew manager for Quantas. He also helps out at the Quantas café. Tony likes to talk. He thinks he’s hot and describes himself as tall, dark and handsome (who am I to tell him otherwise) and tells shit jokes (standard Aussie humour). Tony told me that he’s been banned from Coles (an Australian supermarket chain) because he’s so hot that every time he walks down the ice cream isle everything melts.

My complete lack of reaction prompted him to ask me if I got the joke. Yes Tony, I did. I just didn’t find it funny. Mainly because it’s not. I repeat – standard Aussie humour.

Tony wants to be in our blog, so you know what – Tony can be in our blog. Because despite his god awful jokes and admirable modesty Tony brought me over coffee, donuts and pies. I like Tony, he’s a nice guy.

Tony just dumped my free feast on the table, “to get me through the 6 hour wait until my flight and help me finish my blog”, kissed me on the cheek and waltzed off in his flamboyant manner. His parting words were “Keep smiling girl, life’s too short. You’re here to have fun”. He’s not wrong. And I’ve promised myself that I will remember Tony (that wont be hard) and his wise words.

And that was Tony. Melting everything in sight, apparently.

So here I am, continuing to write the blog about what’s happened since I left Sydney and my final Aussie travels, fuelled by Tony’s treats….

I was intrigued about this big red rock called Ayers rock (or Uluru as it is otherwise known). I mean, I’ve seen a lot of rocks but I’d heard mixed reviews about this one. And with regards to this outback mullarky – is it just desert? Do they have shops? Do people get murdered out there? And what if the car breaks down – are people’s remains found years later after they’ve either died of heat exhaustion or been hijacked by pirates? Actually, I think pirates live on boats, not in the outback – maybe hijacked by hillbillies then. It was all unbeknown. And the thought of it tired me out.

So after a week in Melbourne where I gatecrashed my friends, Joanne and Ste’s apartment, ate a lot of cheese and did a lot of relaxing, I decided I was exhausted and needed to take a break in New Caledonia. I know guys, I lead a very tough life. In my defence I was vulnerable and simply had to mend my broken heart after leaving Lyvette. So, I went and hung out on a beautiful pacific island for a week (blog coming soon) in prep for my outback adventure. I mean, I needed to build my strength – I had potential hillbillies to fend off.

Uluru

I absolutely loved it. I loved my tour group. I loved the big red rock and its history. I just loved it all.

Because we were in the middle of the desert it was forty degrees consistently, but it was a dry heat and having come from New Caledonia and Sydney which were very humid the dry heat was great. I thoroughly embraced the lack of moisture. It felt like I was in a lovely cosy oven just waiting to crisp up like a cheeky sweet potato chip. No sweat rolling off me and no longer unable to breathe like I’d gotten used to. I felt like a whole new woman. But yeah – it was pretty hot.

Uluru itself is the worlds second largest monolith (yes I did have to Google what a monolith is) and its history and what it means to the aboriginal people is quite fascinating. I’d tell you some interesting facts but a) that would go against the grain of this blog and b) I’ve forgotten them.
We also visited Kata Tjata which, according to our guide Amy, is the most sacred place in Australia. That was cool. Especially when we sat down and ate Tim Tams (they’re chocolate biscuits like Penguins but better, and without the joke). The only problem was I couldn’t open my mouth to eat my Tim Tam without a swarm of flies committing suicide in my wind pipe. Which leads me onto my next topic. THE FLIES. OMG THE FLIES. I wanted to punch their tiny little eyes out. The descriptions I’d heard about the masses of flies did not do them justice. Seriously, it was enough to drive anyone insane. I bought a fly net for my head and this was the best $10 I have ever spent in my life. Ever. I spent the entire three days listening to people slapping themselves and cursing flies, they put Lyvette’s fly fitting to shame. I would have loved to see her moves in this situation btw – for comedy value. The best part of the day was night time when the flies finally packed up and went home and everyone could breathe calmly without worrying about an extended family of flies taking residence in their oral cavity. And every other cavity for that matter. When the flies went to bed we could all lounge peacefully next to the fire and then get into our swags and sleep under the stars. It was great. Now, I’ve never slept in a swag before but it was pretty cosy. I didn’t have a pillow so Amy told me to use my shoes. They stank. And it felt like I had a pair of shoes under my head. Because I did. Guys – as an fyi I’d take a pillow, for your own comfort like. And then as soon as I shut my eyes and started to snooze, my mouth open and fly free it was time to get up. Yes, it was 4.15am, time to rock and roll. But again – still dark so at least we didn’t wake up choking on flies. And off we went to watch the sunrise on Uluru. Up the sun came, tra la la la laaaa, everybody was taking in the moment. And then BOOM. OUT CAME THE FLIES. Altogether – in one huge swarm, making it their sole purpose to irritate the shit out of every living being in Central Australia. Apparently flies like to live near cows and cow dung, but let me tell you, in my three days I did not see one single cow. I reckon the flies ate them. Or forced the cows of the outback to evolve and became nocturnal. Also, just so you know – I’ve never liked raisins. They give me the eeby jeebys. Now I hate them even more because they look like flies without wings.

And that was life in the outback. We did a lot of hiking, learnt about the most cultural aspect of Australia, toasted marshmallows over the fire and I learnt to eat Tim Tams without ever opening my mouth. We drank bubbles at sunset, ate kangaroo and camel and I learnt how to say cheers in Korean. And I didn’t get attacked by hillbillies.
Now there are a couple of things that the outback has, apart from that big red rock and a lot of sand. Toilets and a bottle shop. Considering it is literally just desert with one road through it, there are a lot of toilets. I was impressed. It totally minimised my bush wees. And a bottle shop. Because obviously everybody needs a beer in the middle of nowhere. Maybe that’s how people survive the flies – they just get wasted. Lyvette would have been off her chops.

And before I knew it my three days were up and I was off to Alice Springs.

Alice Springs
Such a strange place. It’s a town miles from anywhere, surrounded by the Macdonnell ranges. It is known for having quite a lot of crime and there’s a mix of white and aboriginal people with an obvious divide. It’s as though the groups in the town never properly learnt how to mix together, or at least that’s the vibe I got – I found it fascinating. At first I felt a bit scared as groups would sit on the grass drinking and shouting things (not in English so I couldn’t understand). I was walking out of the supermarket and there were four teenage girls swearing profusely. So much so that the security guard told them to shush. One girl then turned round and shouted;

“You don’t f*%&ing tell me what to do, you don’t f*%&ing own me!!”
To which her mate joined in “Noone f*%&ing owns me bitch, I own this f*%&ing town”

I couldn’t believe it, they were about fourteen. I’d only gone out to buy an avocado and I honestly couldn’t believe the language that came out of their mouths. It was bad even by my standards, and I’m from Salford. My mouth momentarily dropped open – until a swarm of flies decided to use it as a den (yeah the flies are still bad in Alice Springs) and my gag reflex kicked in.

I only spent a day in Alice but I was pretty intrigued by it. My main issue was that the flies had followed me from Uluru and were intent on setting up camp on any facial feature they could find. I looked like a complete prat wandering around town in my fly net, but I couldn’t have cared less.

Darwin

I was well happy to get to Darwin. Mainly because I’d been sat on a bus for twenty two hours and observed every landscape the outback had to offer. We finally pulled up and I hopped off the bus happy as Larry. It was humid AF. I instantly thought I was going to die. If the bus hadn’t of already driven off I’d have jumped straight back on to bathe in the air conditioning. On a positive note though, not a fly in sight.

Absolutely loved Darwin. Granted, it’s probably the most dangerous place in Australia (by my reckoning), not only do you have to look out for sharks, snakes and spiders but Darwin has the added excitement of crocs and box jellyfish. Perfect for a day at the beach. And there was no water cold enough. It was so humid even the swimming pool felt like a bath. Anyway, I had so much fun here. I met a great bunch of people, went to food markets, visited the most disgusting man made beach ever (you come out looking like you have hairs on your chest – not sure why) and danced until my flip flops broke. Seriously. I was just embracing a bit of fist pumping and a shimmy with my new Aussie mate Caitie and all of a sudden my (not so trustworthy) Havaianas snapped. You know that thing where the bit that goes inbetween your toes comes out from the sole of the shoe? Yeah, it’s annoying and it was properly broken – I couldn’t just pop it back in the hole.  I was thoroughly enjoying my own moves and didn’t want to stop dancing, however, having looked at the floor I didn’t fancy touching it barefoot and contracting hepatitis B. Because that’s a thing – getting hep B off dirty floors FYI. So Caitie came to the rescue.
“Quick – give me a bobby pin!” I passed her a hair grip. “I got this! We can fix it!” she yelled as she started ramming the grip into the bottom of my flip flop. Then came the scream. She’d severed her thumb. Who knew a kirby grip could cause such damage? With a severed thumb she returned my flip flop. Now, I’m not sure what the purpose of the grip was, or how the Havaiana could have ever been saved by a hair grip but I now had what appeared to be some sort of torture device attached to my shoe. Let me explain. Caitie had kindly pushed the grip upwards through the sole with the two pointed ends glaring at me, covered in her blood.

And then Shakira came on. So obviously I put said shoe back on with the grip between my toes and clenched my toes together for dear life, dragging my foot behind me so as not to lift it and end up with the death ends of the grip slicing my foot open. The clench and drag ensured the sole of my flip flop stayed underneath my foot, thus avoiding the hep B situation. This thing was not a shoe and should definitely not have been attached to my foot. It was a death wish. Meanwhile Caitie was slut dropping an empty chair and splaying blood everywhere from her bobby pin wound. She didn’t seem too phased by the ordeal. I however, was really struggling. I was just giving up hope and coming to terms with the fact that hepatis B would imminent when Daniel came to the rescue. “Why are you dragging your leg? And what is that thing on your foot?!” I explained the situation, and no I didn’t have any more shoes, and yes I did desperately want to dance to the Spice Girls. “Wait here – I can get you some” And off he went. Not that I was going anywhere – of the two options I had in my current predicament – hep B or slicing a major artery in my foot – neither looked enticing.
“Is that a weapon on your foot?” asked the bouncer as I dragged myself and my torture device towards the entrance to wait for Daniel. “It definitely is, and it is very dangerous. I’m not drunk…I’m waiting for a shoe”. Ok Cinderella.
And then he was back with a lovely pair of new flip flops, fresh in the packet! I was so happy I launched my torture device away (narrowly avoiding taking someone’s eye out in the process) and put on my new spongy clouds. I was a new woman. And the Spice Girls were still pumping….

I also met the best aboriginal man. I was walking along with Sarah, who was wearing a spectacular yellow sundress. “Excuse me!” he shouted. I was a tad concerned after the abuse I’d witnessed on the streets of Alice Springs. “I LOVE your dress….beautiful colour” and he turned his back and continued talking to his mate. I couldn’t help but giggle, in my 32 years I have never heard a man shout something like that across the street. Love it. Maybe that should be a thing – if you’re going to yell at someone in the street pay them an unexpected compliment. Note – the dress was a beautiful colour, he wasn’t lying.

Also, as an FYI – another toenail jumped off in Darwin. I was doing so well. But now it’s starting again….

Perth

Another place I loved. It seems all the places I visited last in Australia are my new favourites. I haven’t got much to report from Perth – loved the city, loved running in the park, loved Fremantle. Really loved Rottnest Island – it’s beautiful with clear blue waters, lots of wild life and the amazing Quokka’s – the cutest marsupial ever.

 

I had an absolute ball cycling around trying to take Quokka selfies. The key is to get down really low. It’s quite common to see people rolling around the floor attempting Quokka selfies (the Quokka’s love it) and it’s all fun and games until you stand up covered in marsupial shit. But it totes worth the shit. Honest.

So now I’m at Perth airport waiting for my flight to Borneo (via Kuala Lumpa) armed with Tony’s treats and willing my toenail to grow. My time in Australia is properly over and I’ve had a blast, saving (unfortunately) some of the best places until last. But although I’m sad, especially about leaving Lyvette, I’m also excited. I can look back on my two years in Aus with fond memories, having met some of the best people and been on some right old adventures but I’m ready to leave. Now is about the time I’m going to start wingin’ it once again (it’s what I do best) and what better way to start the next chapter than in the place where the best blogs are made. Asia.

In the words of Tony; “Keep smiling girl, life’s too short. You’re here to have fun.”
I will Tony, it is, and yes I intend to have fun.

Asia, I’m coming for you….