Borneo – Part 1, Sabah

Borneo raised a lot of questions. Do dolphins rape humans? What are the purpose of clogs? Can a crocodile kill a pygmy elephant? Why are tampons harder to source than unicorns? I’m not quite sure where all these questions came from, nor am I sure of the answers but I felt like every day I became a little less knowledgeable on pretty much everything. Travelling does that. It makes me realise how very little I actually know and even when I do know something chances are it’ll soon be forgotten. But that’s the beauty of it, it gives you time to question some more givens, see a few new things and learn some more interesting (and sometimes useless) information you’ll never remember. This time around I wanted to see and learn some more about the wildlife, especially the orangutans, hence why I chose to head to Borneo. I mean have you even been to Borneo if you haven’t seen a hairy ginger ape???

The Malaysian part of Borneo is split into two parts – Sabah, in the north and Sarawak, in the south. In the middle of the two is a cheeky little country called Brunei. I flew into Sabah.

Kota Kinabalu

KK was really just a stop over as Sabah’s capital city and for me to decide on a plan of action as I didn’t actually know anything about Borneo except that there’s a big mountain and orangutans. A lot of research went into this trip guys.

There’s not much to say about KK, it’s not particularly exciting but they do have some great street food. Gaya Street night market was a hit with my taste buds. I especially liked the deep fried bananas smothered in condensed milk and cheese. My arteries definitely loved these too. Who knew that cheese on bananas could taste so good?

KK was also where the mothers day rumour started. I walked into the dorm one night to find Olivia frantically tapping away on Moonpig. “Just as a heads up – it’s Mother’s Day this weekend.” Shit. Ok, on it – I joined her tapping away on Moonpig. As did the other two girls in the room.

The Tip of Borneo

I got a minibus to Kudat where I had to wait for an hour or so whilst waiting for transport to my accommodation at the tip. It was around this time when I realised I was running low on tampons so I decided to hunt down a pharmacy.

“Excuse me, do you want a pharmacy? I heard you asking the waiter.” This was Ste, who as it turned out, was waiting for the same transport as me. “This might sound really strange but I swear I just saw one in that temple over there”. A pharmacy in a temple? Odd. So off I went to the temple in search of tampons. Turns out the pharmacy was actually behind the temple (it did look deceptively like it was in the temple complex) and they didn’t sell tampons. I found this out by wafting one of my three remaining tampons in the assistants face so she knew what I wanted. She wasn’t impressed.

From here myself, Ste, Jonah and my new favourite Chinese friend, Motor, got the transport to the accommodation at the tip. The tip was lovely, very chilled, few tourists and natural beaches. It also really helped that we had Motor who’s a professional photographer and sent us all his snaps (all of the decent ones on this blog). I traded him pictures for English lessons. The only problem was he couldn’t understand my accent and others kept having to translate. It would seem Motor got a duff deal. Although he is now back in China fluent in Manc.

Sepilok

Next stop was Sepilok to visit the orangutans. I decided to fly there from Kudat as it was very cheap and less time on a bouncy bus. One thing I don’t understand about Borneo is that the roads look quite nice and smooth but when on a bus you look like a nodding dog with limbs flailing everywhere. I just can’t get my head around how bumpy they are. It’s like the smooth tarmac suddenly turns into a trampoline when it spots an oncoming vehicle. Anyway, back to the flight. Kudat airport was basically a shed. I reckon it’s actually someone’s garden. The security consisted of a woman opening my bag and throwing out my insect repellent (which is pretty gutting as they don’t sell DEET in Malaysia) and claiming my passport had expired because she was actually looking at an old Indian visa stamped onto the page. I patiently showed the airport security how to use a passport before stepping out of the shed and onto the plane. It was the smallest plane I’ve ever been on in my life. It was a matchbox with wings. The pilot actually hopped into his seat – he didn’t even need steps up to the cockpit. I could put my arms out and touch both sides of the plane, and I did, just for bants. Then I sat down in my chair which may as well have been the pilots lap. I was so close to him I could smell what he’d had for breakfast (definitely laksa). After a lack of safety demo and no advertised seat belt requirement we were off. And boy was the matchbox noisy. It sounded like someone was throwing rocks at a saucepan. Fifty minutes later I peeled myself off the pilot’s lap and took myself and my perforated eardrums to the orangutan sanctuary.

There are only two places in the world where you can see wild orangutans – Borneo and Sumatra. Both types are endangered and the sanctuary in Sepilok rehabilitates orphans with the goal of releasing them back into the wild. I LOVED them. They are so fascinating to watch. They are full on athletes. Like hairy ginger gymnasts. I was mesmerised by their ability to eat a banana with a leg wrapped round their heads. If I’m honest a lot of the time I wasn’t actually sure what they were doing.
I spent a good two hours asking myself: ‘are they playing? Mating? Fighting? Are they impressing each other? Or all of the above?’
It was unbeknown. But they impressed me. Maybe I should try out their antics the next time I go on a date and see if I impress. Just casually enter the bar by doing a backflip, walking on my hands, drinking a beer with my leg around my head before the grand finale of performing a headstand on my companions’ tummy. I think I’d be in there.
Or maybe I could do it for my next job interview – forward roll through the door before swinging from the lamp shade by my toes and dismounting onto potential employers back whilst chewing a piece of papaya. Hmmmm, maybe not – there’s a fundamental flaw in this experiment…It can be quite difficult to get papaya in the UK.

Sepilok was where I met Georgina who was to become my travel buddy for ten days or so. She clearly had good first impressions of me…

“Girls – why is my bed sheet really small? You all seem to have big ones and it’s pretty chilly at night with the air con on.” I was lying on my back with my sheet over my front addressing the girls in my dorm. My shoulders were exposed as were my shins and feet. These bed sheets were rubbish.
“Everyone else’s are fine” said Georgina, peering up at me on the top bunk. She’s nearly six foot so for me to have limbs protruding everywhere and her not seemed a little strange, “Maybe it’s because you’ve actually covered yourself with a towel…”
Oh. Yeah. So that happened.
“Did you use your bed sheet as a towel?!” She continued.
Oh. Yeah. So that also happened.
I glanced at the once presumed towel hanging to dry at the end of the bed. It had now taken on the identity of a bed sheet. In my defence it was the largest non-towel I’d ever used and it did look very similar to an actual towel. Minus the fluff.
“Also, it’s Mother’s Day this weekend – just so you know” I announced, steering the topic away from my idiocy. More Moonpig orders were on route.

Kinabutan River

I spent two days and three nights at the river. This included four boat cruises and accommodation at some sort of jungley type resort thing where the cheeky monkeys stole our donuts. I had a really good bunch of girls on my tour (including Olivia and Rosie who were in my dorm in Kota Kinabalu) so we had a lot of fun and spotted a lot of wildlife. And when I say “we” spotted a lot of wildlife I mean everyone except me. I couldn’t spot jack shit. It’s always been the same – Lyvette was always the wildlife/star constellation spotter and I’d be gormlessly looking around seeing absolutely nothing.
The Borneo river guides though, have eyes like hawks. They see EVERYTHING. I named our guide Mr See. Mr See could spot an ant from fifty kilometres away.
“Look. A python” He pointed to a tree about twenty metres away. I swear to god, this python did not exist. After five minutes everyone else decided they could see said python. Everyone except me. Next came the baby croc. Missed that one. The wild orangutan – actually saw him but only after ten minutes of the entire boat and Mr See pointing and giving me directions in trees. I definitely did see the adult crocodile swimming towards us though. I saw him as I briskly pulled my elbow back into the boat.
Then came the night walk where we did (not) see a slow loris. It was almost daylight by the time I’d located it. And then Mr See spotted the world’s smallest frog from one hundred metres away. It was half the size of my thumb nail. I swear this guy has some sort of super human eye power. Maybe it’s a Borneo thing.

Now, the problem for me was that I’d just come from Australia, a place where everything and anything can and will kill you. So, when I see a salt water crocodile coming towards me I don’t particularly feel at ease with the situation, especially when the boat I’m on is about as sturdy as a lilo. AND I’ve learnt from Australia that crocs can jump (tours in Darwin are always promoting jumping crocs) pretty high. AND salt water crocs are actually nasty pasties. I expressed my concerns to Mr See;
“Mr See. Crocs can jump in Australia and salt water ones are nasty and kill humans for fun….”
“Yes in Australia, but Borneo crocs are different. They won’t jump. Or kill you. Borneo crocs are vegetarian.” He paused “Just put your elbow back in the boat and don’t walk close to the river. And definitely don’t fall off the boat. ”
Noted. All concerns erased.

Later on we were sat as a group eating.
“So, I’ve just found out that Mother’s Day is actually two weeks away” said Georgina.
“What?!” I dropped my fork. I looked at Olivia who was the instigator of the Mother’s Day rumour.
“What! I posted on my mum’s Facebook page. As did my brother” said Rosie
“I wrote in my mum’s card ‘I hope you get this in time’” said Georgina.
“I genuinely thought it was this weekend” said Olivia.
Apparently the Mother’s Day rumour had spread across the width of Sabah, courtesy of Olivia. Granted, everyone just took everyone else’s word for it and no one bothered to check. So, to all the mothers who received ridiculously early cards – it was all because of a rumour born in Borneo.

The final thing that I learnt at the River was that along with their insane vision, Bornean’s rival orangutans with their flexibility. Maybe it’s something to do with the island. But if you’ve never seen a Bornean do the limbo – put it on your bucket list. It’s pretty impressive. I’ve concluded they have vertebrae made of jelly.

Mount Kinabalu

I didn’t hike Mount Kinabalu as I didn’t want to spend the money and it wasn’t something on my to do list, however I decided to meet Georgina there and partake in a day of hiking on the trails at the bottom. It was fresh, cooler climate and had some great views. I only stayed one night and decided to get up early the following morning and go for a run on the trails. I was having the time of my life. Until something stung me. I don’t know what it was but it was big and the sting bloody hurt. I was adamant the sting was still in me and was becoming more embedded with every step but I couldn’t see it as it was on my back. In the end I could take it no more and came across two Asian girls. I started to take my top off as I ran towards them. They looked scared.
“HELP! Excuse me, can you help me?!”
They observed the half-naked white girl before them.
“Do you speak Manc? Or English will do. Can you see if I have a sting in my back please?”
The girls dutifully obliged. I was assured there was no sting. I put my top back on and ran off.

Labuan

The next stop was a little country called Brunei. Getting there required getting the bus back to Kota Kinabalu, ferry to Labuan and another ferry to Brunei. However, the ferry from KK had a mechanical issue so we had to get the bus to Menunbok, followed by a speedboat to Labuan and stay there in order to catch the first morning ferry to Brunei. These things happen, no big deal and the journey started pretty mellow. Until we boarded a Lego boat to Labuan. It was full. And smaller than the matchbox I had crammed myself into in Kudat. We were flying along at record pace with me headbutting everyone within a thirty centimetre radius, Georgina folding her neck sideways in an attempt to fit her six foot figure into the Lego boat and the driver was bouncing around like he was riding a kangaroo.

And then the man fell off the roof.

I only knew there was a man on the roof when I saw his body flip over and crash into the outside of the window. How he kept his flip flops on I’ll never know. I yelled to the man on the roof as the Lego boat tipped so it was on its side and I face planted onto the man opposite. In fact, everybody face planted the man opposite (poor fellow). Except Georgina – her folded neck wedged her securely into place. And then, just like that, the boat flipped back and resumed its normal sailing position. The man on the roof was clinging on for dear life and clenching his toes so as not to lose a shoe as the sheer force threw him back onto the roof. We knew this because we heard his body thump. I don’t even think he broke a bone. Probably because of his Bornean flexibility and jelly vertebrae. The driver just continued riding his kangaroo like nothing had happened.

And that was my tour of Sabah. Lots of wildlife, even more wildlife that I didn’t see, very flexible men and an adventure in a flying matchbox and a Lego boat. What more could a girl want…