I last left you on a train from Agra to Jaipur with Narcolepsy Dave frightening himself awake, Sam and Joe reveling in their supersonic hearing after their enforced ear cleaning experience in Delhi and James worrying himself to death about potential rat dens.* And then we arrived in Jaipur, where the adventure really began…

*If you haven’t already it may be useful to read the previous blog here, you know, just so you can be introduced to the characters of this tale.

I’m just also going to reiterate that that dad, Dave, Big Dave, Big D, Suitcase Dave, Yogi Dave and numerous other Daves mentioned throughout this blog are all the same person. In India Dave is a man of mystery – he goes by many names #ManyNamesDave.

Jaipur – Day 4

We got a tuk tuk from the station to Nitin’s house where we were staying with his family. Nitin is a friend myself and Lyvette met four years ago when we first came to India. We have kept in touch with him ever since and have visited him a couple of times. He runs a school, Saksham, for the women and children of the slums of Jaipur and does a bloody good job. A few years ago these women were illiterate and now they can read and write in English and Hindi and he is currently working with them to develop their sewing skills and setting up a clothing brand with them so they can make a living. Many of the slum children used to spend their days locked in a room whilst their parents went to work, not receiving an education or eating properly. Nitin went round and knocked on each door until their parents allowed the children to come to his school. They now receive a free education, food and immunisations. I recommend a visit to this incredible institution to anybody who visits Jaipur – go and see Nitin and his school, it’s inspirational and he will welcome you with open arms.
My family, especially Suitcase Dave, were excited to visit.

Arriving at Nitin’s house was Big D’s time to shine. Bearing in mind he had been lugging around a 24.7kg suitcase full of stationary for the past four days, he clambered up the stairs, hobbled through the front door, and did what any admirable man would do. He whacked out his suitcase. So full of highlighters and notepads, pencils, rubbers and post it notes (because all slum children need post its), felt tips, crayons and Sellotape. Big Dave basically had 24.7kg of heaven right there and it was Christmas come early in the Nitin Sharma household – the family couldn’t wait to distribute Big D’s stationary to the school. And Big D was suddenly a whole lot lighter without his trusty suitcase and his bandi old legs a whole lot springier. In that moment Suitcase Dave was gone and the children of the slums were 24.7kg of stationary richer.

Jaipur – Day 5

Our first full day in Jaipur and we were up and at ‘em. Apart from Sam and James – they had an explosive case of the shits. Delhi belly had finally descended in full throttle. Even Sam’s supersonic hearing couldn’t help him now. Big Dave lolled in the corner – patting his perfectly fine, free-from-Delhi Belly tummy; “lads, if you can get through this, you can get through anything.” His new favourite saying resurfaced once again as Sam and James gave him looks that suggested they weren’t capable of getting through anything. Ever again.

Dave had been ready to rock and roll since 6am as he’d been to yoga in the park with Nitin’s mum Haima. They both came back happy as anything with Big D enjoying yoga with a class full of ladies and Haima thinking Big D and his yoga inability were extremely comical. It’s safe to say Big D is about as flexible as a piece of plywood whereas Haima bends like a liquorice lace.
“I don’t know how she did it” Yogi Dave said incredulously nodding at Haima who was nibbling on a chapati. “She had her legs everywhere” he tried to demonstrate Haima’s flexibility by lifting his foot about 3cm off the ground before giving up. “Everywhere!” Great demonstration there by the man who’s so inflexible he struggles to put his socks on. Meanwhile Haima sat chuckling to herself as Flexible Dave recounted his yoga experience.
“My favourite bit was lying under the tree.” He continued. “It was very relaxing but one woman just wouldn’t stop talking! Would she Haima?” Haima nodded affectionately and confirmed there was indeed a woman who wouldn’t stop talking and that Yogi Dave had come back from his class in the park a hit with the ladies and was now an approved member of the yoga club.

The first morning was spent at Nitins’ school in the slums with the pre school children. It was incredible watching their little faces light up as we helped them draw circles and flowers and as they sang nursey rhymes and played games. Sam enjoyed this class – mainly because he managed not to poo himself and he got to draw love hearts on the white board. After the class it was back to Nitins’ for lunch which was where Natay (our cousin) and Becky B (her bestie) rocked up to join the India party. Natay flounced up with her ginger hair and freckled skin and caused a right old commotion throughout India. Her complexion amazed people and she couldn’t have gotten more stares if she’d have ran round naked. She loved the attention. Until people started to think she had leprosy.

It’s probably also worth mentioning at this point that Big Dave had previously lost his reading glasses in Delhi. This meant he had to download a magnifying app on his phone to read his book. So far though it hadn’t been a massive problem – it just meant he had managed to stand in some questionable substances.

That evening we went to the planetarium with Nitin, his wife Deepti, their two children and a group of older children from the slums. Nitin had organised the trip as a treat for the kids and so they could experience something new. They were so excited. We went to meet them at the school and the plan was to escort them in tuk tuks to the planetarium. As we entered the school we all kicked our shoes off, as is customary in India, and Big Dave gave me a nudge;
“Hevs…Hevs….” He glanced down at his feet. “These aren’t my shoes”
“Who’s are they?” I asked, looking at my dad’s feet, and some shoes I had never seen before.
“I don’t know. I must have put them on at Nitin’s house. I can’t see, can I?! I haven’t got my glasses.” I supressed a laugh as Dave the Thief proceeded to take off the pair of stolen shoes and we went inside the school to round up the children. Whilst Natay called the register for the children (trying very hard to pronounce their names right) Dave the Thief sidled up to Nitin;
“Nitin…I think I may have your shoes. Or someone’s shoes. But I’m pretty sure they’re not mine. I can’t see.” Nitin wasn’t bothered, he laughed at the situation and continued to round up the kids and designate tuk tuks. One adult per tuk tuk and as many children as could fit in. Standard India. Everyone stampeded to the door, put on their shoes, and hit the tuk tuks.
Everyone except Big Dave.
He stood there in his straw hat scratching his chin and looking at the only pairs of shoes that were left. Some bright pink sandals and a pair of kids size four velcro trainers. Becky B lost it as she witnessed Big D weighing up his footwear options.
“Are these my shoes?!” he asked in wonder, desperately wishing he had his magnifying app on him.
“You haven’t got any shoes Dave – you nicked the others” Becky B reminded him as she tried to breathe between giggles.
“The problem is – I’ve forgotten which shoes I’ve nicked! I couldn’t see them! What did they look like?”

Eventually they retrieved Big D’s actual (stolen aka Nitin’s shoes) from their hiding place so he didn’t have to wear bright pink sandals or baby shoes. Then off he went to his vehicle. The Jackson boys were all in the tuk tuks surrounded by the children of the slums, Dave had acquired the cheeky chappies and Sam had the most with ten boys jumping about his lap. Ideal when you’re clenching hard so as not to shit yourself.

The planetarium went well. The kids loved it, Sam and James managed to keep a lid on their Delhi belly (although James’s quiff had drooped slightly throughout the day), Dave was happy in his stolen shoes and surrounded by the slum rascals, Becky B finally managed to stop laughing at Dave and his stolen shoes, Natay and her ginger skin were happily glowing in the dark and Joe enjoyed a snooze. We know this because we heard him snoring.

Post planetarium we popped to Nitin’s hostel (which he runs to fund the school) to have a look around. We went inside which meant taking our shoes off. Cue another Dave drama. As we exited, post tour, we all popped our shoes back on and went to leave. Until we saw Becky B chuckling like Muttley by the door. Big D was stood, a look of concern on his face, his feet once again bare.
“I’ve lost my shoes!”
That was it. We all collapsed. We laughed so hard Sam and James nearly had to change their undies.
“Seriously they’ve gone! Have they gone? Maybe I just can’t see them….”
Dave’s stolen shoes had indeed vanished.
That’s when Becky B creased over further.
“Dave…I think Nitin’s taken his shoes back…” and there was Nitin walking off in his shoes that Dave had stolen, leaving Dave shoeless.
Once Nitin had realised what had happened he kindly let Dave the Thief re-steal his shoes and put on his other shoes that he had originally been wearing for the evening.

First full day in Jaipur – tick.

Jaipur – Day 6

“You’ll love it!” Nitin reassured us as myself, Yogi D, Natay and Becky B roused ourselves at 4am. We had eye bags so big we could have carried a tank in them. And god only knows if Dave was wearing his own shoes.
“It’s so invigorating. There’s nothing else like this to start the day. It will definitely wake you up!” Nitin smiled cheerily as we ventured to the temple with him and Deepti.
Start the day?! I thought. It’s still the middle of the bloody night!
No wonder the boys and their iffy tummies had passed on this activity.

But as per usual Nitin was not wrong. We entered the temple to what can only be described as an explosion of worship. There was music, movement and colour. It was so lively I’d have come here for a night out. In fact we thought about hiring the musicians for Natay’s upcoming birthday party. Then someone shoved a leaf in my hand and told me to eat it. Thankfully it was holy basil. Then someone shoved what looked like a blob of cotton wool into my hand. I attempted to eat that too, until Nitin told me to put it in my ear. Because yes it was actually a blob of cotton wool. Then we ate something sweet and tasty, clapped a lot and left the temple armed with a bindi, not knowing what the hell had just happened but feeling incredibly spritely and thinking Hinduism was the future.

We then proceeded to have a chai and snack on the roadside, watching as the stall fed and watered a line of homeless people before heading back to Nitin’s. At least we thought we were heading back to Nitin’s. Until he stopped the car and Yogi Dave practically jumped out of the door, wafting his arms like a mad man and smiling in delight. Myself, Natay and Becky B looked at each other in bewilderment. That holy basil had really gone to his head. Finally, Nitin turned to us, grinning like the Cheshire cat;
“We’re at the park. Just in time for yoga class.”
So we scrambled after Yogi D who was waving to everyone like he was royalty and skipping along like he’d just stepped out of nursery rhyme. We finally caught up as Yogi D was greeting his Yogi ladies and positioning himself under his favourite tree.
The session started with the yoga ladies putting us to shame with limbs so flexible they could have been made of Play Doh and Big D letting out a cheeky fart. Naturally, being the mature adults that we are, this gave us the giggles.

Then came the locust pose (google it) where we all looked like we were just out for a snooze followed by a sitting hamstring stretch, legs in front and together, reaching forwards with the arms. That’s when the teacher decided Yogi Dave wasn’t being yogi enough and decided to give him a helping hand by pulling his arms forward. Now, as we’ve already discussed Big D isn’t all that flexible. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if his hamstrings were actually made of cement rods, so when the teacher pulled him forwards he uttered the first words that any man on the edge of his flexible limit would utter…

“YABBA DABBA DOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

Fred Flintstone was in the house. Under his tree.

The ladies looked. The general park goers stopped. Nitin (who was sat on the park bench enjoying the comedy of the Jacksons doing yoga) started videoing and myself, Natay and Becky B laughed so hard I swear each of us did a little bit of wee in our knickers. And my bindi fell off. Flexible Dave on the other hand was busy screaming cartoon phrases as his arms and hamstrings were stretched to their limit, unawares of the members of the public watching in amusement at the unravelling scene before them. Never before on their morning run had they been stopped in their tracks by the noises of an inflexible Fred Flinstone taking over the ladies yoga class. The yoga ladies were thoroughly enjoying the arrival of Flexible Dave and welcomed him into their class with bendy open arms – he provided all the bants.

Once Yogi Dave’s screams had subsided, with him safely at zen under his tree, and we’d managed to suppress our giggles we tried to continue with the class, which unfortunately was coming to an end.

“Ok, the last exercise…” started the instructor.
“Ooooohhhhh THIS IS THE BEST ONE!” gleamed Yogi Dave excitedly jumping to his feet under his tree, “this is my favourite part!”
“OK Dave” said the instructor, “take it away”
And with that Big Dave lifted his arms in the air and let out a ROARING belly laugh. It was so loud the birds fell from the trees. And Nitin fell off his bench.

“PAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

I watched in amazement at the man I call my dad as he let off this booming laugh. What had India done to Big Dave? Who was this person…Yogi D?
And with that we all started laughing. The instructor, the ladies, Nitin sat on his bench and myself, Natay and Becky B. We laughed so hard we our knees gave way. Once we managed to stop the teacher told Yogi D to go again so the whole façade started once more. The entire park in Jaipur was either holding their stomach or spreading their arms in the air and laughing like never before. I can honestly say it was one of the funniest mornings of my life.

And with that we ambled back to Nitin’s house, exhausted from laughing and and temple-ing. It was only 7am. Nitin had been right – there really was nothing else like this to start the day and it definitely had woken us up. Meanwhile the boys were unaware of our adventures and busy dreaming of settled tummies and perfectly combed quiffs.
Day 6 in Jaipur was only just getting started. By 9am we were at Amber Fort walking up vertical trails in blistering heat and witnessing the views and history of Jaipur. Becky B nearly fainted, Natay ensured her ginger skin was lathered up with factor 50 and the boys informed us they were feeling marginally better than the day before, but still not great.

Sight seeing for the day was done. Next activity – modelling. Now, let me quickly explain this. Contrary to what you may think by looking at us we are not models. I know, I know, we really should be but the world is just not ready for us yet. However, the project that Nitin and Deepti have set up for the women of the slums involves them making their own clothing and setting up a clothing range, Ashanari, with the intent to sell. Nitin had managed to get a well-known Indian Instagram model over to Jaipur to do an article and take some pictures of her modelling the clothing range as a way of promoting the brand. This is where us riff raff came in. They all collectively agreed that it would be great to have us Jackson westerners in the shoot as well. We willingly obliged. James and Joe had to head back as the toilet beckoned but the rest of us went to meet Deepti to prepare for the big shoot. On arrival Deepti grabbed Natay and looked in horror at her freckled arm;
“Are you ok?! What is this?” she asked in shock. Freckles. Just freckles. And Natay reassured her she was absolutely fine and did not have some sort of lurgy or illness.

Back to the shoot…

Getting into the outfits themselves was trickier than expected. If you’ve been to India you’ll know that nudity, especially for white foreigners, can attract a lot of unwanted attention, therefore we had to get changed in a huddle, using our own bodies as a shield from the public eye. It’s a good job we’re a close family. Then Natay realised she had on the same dress as the attractive, tanned Instagram model and it was blue and white which are definitely not colours for a ginger complexion. She panicked and took her clothes off quicker than Dave could get to yoga class.Speaking of Dave – he was wearing a yoga-esque kimono which made him look like Barney Rubble. He loved it.

Then the Instagram model brought over some Indian jewellery. Now Becky B is a very attractive lady however her downfall is that she sometimes acquires very fat ankles. They have a tendency to swell in certain circumstances and this is when we call her BABS – Big Ankles Becky. At the exact moment that BABS came out to play the Instagram model decided to fasten an anklet around Becky’s ankle. As BABS stood there attempting to peer over her swollen flesh the model tried in vain to attach said jewellery.
“It’s no use, she’s got mahoosive ankles” piped up Natay as her ginger skin exploded in more freckles under the Indian sun.
“Yeah” agreed Big Dave sporting his new yogi style kimono that only a yoga guru could pull off. “You wont get anything around them bad boys when BABS is about” he added nodding at Becky B’s obese ankles.
Eventually the Instagram model gave up with Becky B’s anklet and decided we were ready for the shoot.
“Right guys, just stand where I tell you and try and change your pose every 3 seconds.”
Sounds easy. But you try changing a modelling pose every 3 seconds when you’re not a model and you will find it’s quite hard. How many different facial expressions and positions can one have? We looked like a family of constipated misfits. The only thing to do was giggle. Kimono Dave was pulling some right moves looking like a yogi pro, with his finger on his lips as he put on a pout, the rest of us were trying not to laugh whilst displaying our very limited portfolio of poses. We did not do the clothes justice. Apart from Sam, he looked cool AF.

Our second day in Jaipur was full on with 4am temple antics, yoga, sight seeing and a modelling shoot. Ladu (Nitins daughter) came over to sit with us as we rested our weary bodies. All of a sudden her eyes widened and she grabbed Natays arm;
“Are you ill? Shall we get the doctor?!” she asked with concern looking at the freckled skin before her.
“Why does everyone think I have a disease?” asked Natay, explaining to Ladu that no she wasn’t ill or diseased, just freckly and ginger. “And no I don’t have leprosy…I don’t think…..”
Meanwhile BABS was trying to find her feet below the mound of skin pretending to be her ankles, Flexible D was mentally rehearsing tomorrows yoga moves, Sam was reminiscing about how hot he looked in his modelling attire and James and Joe were still battling with stomach issues.
Big D looked up “Well, if we can get through todays adventures we can get through anything.”

The question was, ‘what would tomorrow bring?’ We were in India so probably the unexpected.

But my fingers are getting sore from typing and this blog is already verging on the longest blog ever. Plus (a few weeks later) I’m now at home and have a Kingfisher in the fridge which I need to consume before Joe comes home and gets his sneaky little paws on it. Don’t worry, I’ll neck it and then crack on with the rest of the Jackson family adventures…

** If you are interested in Nitin’s school in the slums feel free to check out the Facebook page here.