I’m currently sat watching people glide in and out of the airport. Well some people are gliding, others have limbs everywhere. Mainly because the airport floor is like an ice rink and it’s hard to take a step without sliding. I know this because I gave up walking a while ago and decided to crawl to my bedtime spot against the wall. Honestly, this floor defies all health and safety regulations. Lyvette has resorted to bum shuffling to the plug socket and Gemma has whipped out her duvet and pillow (aka blanket and backpack).
Sorry guys – I’m getting preoccupied with the airport slidey floor. Back to how we got here…
18th October myself and Lyvette said goodbye to Sydney and boarded the coldest flight ever to Manila. When I say cold, I swear the air hostesses had been replaced by polar bears. There was actual ice coming from the air con. I asked for a blanket. Polar bear number one said no, I had to pay. Naturally I had no Philippine peso and they didn’t accept debit cards. Lyvette asked for water, polar bear number two said no. When we finally arrived in Manila 8 hours later, hungry and thirsty, we were so frozen they had to blow torch us from our seats and drop us into a sauna to thaw us out. Well, that’s a slight exaggeration…we actually just stood up and walked off the plane. We did have numb toes though.
Manila
It’s horrible. It was like a quieter version of Delhi but with more traffic and no tuk tuk’s. I spent the duration of my time here at the Indian visa office. Naturally I chose to sit next to the guy who constantly cleared his throat. 2 hours later, after trying desperately to close my ears I was on the edge. After 4 whole hours of throat clearing I was close to ripping his throat open and scratching his phlegm out for him. But I was concerned I’d break a nail. Luckily I then got called to the counter. So my passport is now in Manila at the visa office, hopefully getting a visa stamp whilst I’m sat in Cebu airport on a slidey floor.
Anyway we met Gemma (our travel buddy from Asia) at Manila airport and headed to Cebu, excited to travel with her once again. It took her approximately 8 weeks to get to Manila from England but we didn’t care because she’s a bitch. Simply because she tans at the mention the word ‘sun’. Not that we’re jealous…
Cebu
We arrived in Cebu City and were drunk by 9am. Then me and Lyvette went and got our eyebrows threaded for £1.70 (probably because we were pissed). We ate on Colon street and experienced our first jeepney. We also realised Gemma was ignoring us, “Oh sorry – I can’t hear anything with my sunglasses on” What? Because that makes sense…
Oslob
Then we experienced our first bus ride of the Philippines. It was fine except we couldn’t pronounce ‘Boljoon’ and the whole bus had a panic attack because they thought we were going to somewhere at the opposite end of the island. As it turned out, we had it all under control. Until, that is, the bus started moving. Without me on it. At that moment I must say, my perspiration percentage may have increased as I ran alongside the bus not quite knowing what to do, “Woah, woah my friend!!!Woah!!!!” The ticket collector stepped up onto the moving vehicle just in front of me, like he’d been lifted by angels. Probably because he didn’t have hobbit length legs. I, on the other hand, made a big song and dance about the whole scenario and partook in a particularly noisy flying mount, resembling a screaming orangutan, which was proceeded by stifled chuckles from the bus full of Filipinos.
Oslob was where we swam with whale sharks (the biggest fish in the world fyi), which was amazing. They were huge, some up to 16 metres. They also have very large mouths. Especially the one near me. I know this because.I.WAS. IN. IT. I swear to god I could have touched its intestines. I mean, I didn’t – I didn’t have my hand sanitiser. And it wouldn’t have been appropriate I don’t think. While I was busy admiring the inside of a whale sharks mouth Gemma was performing some sort of aqua aerobic routine in shark infested waters. I honestly don’t know what she was doing with her legs but judging by the photos it was not normal. I think the sharks had turned her legs to Play Doh. I also think that’s why I was almost accidentally eaten, because the shark was so confused by Gemma’s flailing limbs that its mouth fell open in shock and the vacuum sucked me in. That definitely happened.
Post visiting the inside of the whale sharks mouth and aqua aerobic-ing in shark infested waters we ventured to Aguinid Falls where we were told there were some nice waterfalls. This was true. However, we weren’t informed that we had to have a guide and hike up them. And when I say hike I mean climb. I thoroughly enjoyed myself (until I felt Gemma’s head venture up my bum). Lyvette on the other hand was not expecting to be free climbing up slippery rock faces covered in water, in the smallest bikini she owned. Her legs lost the ability to hold her and we can only be thankful that a wasp did not fly at her face whilst she was mid climb. She made it to the top in a similar style to Bambi on ice, but who cares – her bikini was still covering her nipples and she’d had a great day of adventure. Throughout this Gemma was busy trying to take selfies on her new selfie stick that didn’t work. She couldn’t hear us – she had her sunglasses on.
Bohol
We got the boat from Argao to Bohol. We had lunch in Argao, which mainly consisted of flies. Flies everywhere. I don’t think I have ever seen so many flies in my life. Lyvette was so shocked at the sheer quantity of flies that she didn’t even have a fly fit. We left when a fly bombed into Gemma’s sauce and committed suicide. Obviously we left with our mouths shut – nobody wants a swarm of flies lodged in their trachea. Unfortunately for us the flies followed us to the boat and boarded with us.
Gemma kindly took us to a party that she’d read about in Bohol, on White Beach. We got to the party to find there was just us. Because the party was on a different island. Maybe her sunglasses had also inhibited her ability to read. So we went home and got in bed. We were just dozing off when Lyvette had one of her fits – naturally we expected some sort of flying insect to be in the vicinity. However, we were surprised to find…nothing. She jumped up and stared at her bed in disbelief.
“A gecko just pooed on my bed! I saw it lift its bum and everything”.
And so it was that a gecko caused chaos by shitting on Lyvette’s bed. Then the little rascal decided to have sex with its friend. Lyvette was not happy as she came and got in bed with me;
“Why can’t it find its own bed? Why why why?”
“I don’t know Lyvette. Maybe because it’s a gecko…”
“I can’t go to bed now because I have to watch a gecko have sex because it’s being selfish!”
These Filipino geckos…little sluts.
We didn’t just go to non parties and cover ourselves in gecko faeces in Bohol. We also went to see the Chocolate Hills (which were green not brown), saunter across one of the world’s most dangerous bridges and see one of the world’s smallest primate – the tarsier.
Malapascua
DO NOT take the rough rider to Malapascua.
DO NOT take the rough rider to Malapascua.
We took the rough rider to Malapascua.
We got to the bus terminal with a woman shouting over a microphone, “BUS TO MALAPSCUA, LEAVING NOW, OVER HERE, OVER HERE”. So we ran over to her. “BUS TO MALAPASCUA HERE, NOW, NOW”.
WHY ARE YOU STILL USING YOUR MICROPHONE, WE ARE STOOD RIGHT NEXT TO YOU!!!!
And so we were ushered onto the rough rider that was actually called the Red Stallion Express. Stallion and Express it most definitely was not. The seats were covered in dust and the windows were open so 5 hours later we exited The Red Stallion Express looking like chimney sweeps with grit etched into our eyeballs.
Malapascua was nice, we spent a few days relaxing and drinking cocktails and Gemma became the village hero, everyone knew her name. I developed a crush on our boat driver because he had dreamy eyes. He could have done with using dental floss though (not on his eyes – that would be weird) and couldn’t stop staring at him and Lyvette had another mild upset when leaving the island, getting off the boat as we had to clamber up some wobberly rocks to the port. I didn’t care because I was with dreamy eyes and Gemma couldn’t hear us because she had her sunglasses on. Lyvette clambered over the top of the rocks holding someone’s hand, “Oh gosh they were robberly wocks!”
Yes Lyvette, those wocks were very robberly indeed.
And here we are, fresh from Malapascua, sat in the airport. Or rather trying to sleep at the airport because for some reason this seemed like a great idea at the time. We’ve set up camp on the slidey floor and unplugged the cash machines because we need to charge our phones.
We have 7 hours until our flight to Manila where we are going to find another island that doesn’t exist. Nobody knows where it is or how to get there. But that’s where we’re going. Obviously. We can totally find it now we’re adventurers. Seriously guys, we’ve been eaten by sharks, lived to tell the tale of the Red Stallion Express and fought with robberly wocks, what could possibly go wrong?!
