Dear Australia,

One year ago we arrived and we didn’t like you. I’m not beating around the bush here, in case you were wondering.

We didn’t appreciate the bitter October winds and need for cardigans and we definitely didn’t appreciate your Bondi flies sitting on our face. Lyvette genuinely detested you for your flying things. But maybe that’s because we were on an Asia come down. We’d spent near on 6 months experiencing completely new cultures, encountering searing heat, eating for $1 and actively avoiding malaria (which is great fun btw). We’d spent near on 6 months dressing in what can only be described as an unfathomable concoction of clothes, sporting holes in our crotches and watching my toenails disintegrate before our very eyes. And to be frank, we bloody loved every minute of it.

So maybe we just weren’t ready to adjust straight away when we rocked off the plane from Bali and headed to Bondi, Sydney. We couldn’t adjust that quickly to the Barbie dolls of the Eastern Suburbs, to the way civilised people actually brushed their hair and matched their clothes. The way people frowned upon my lack of toenails. Looking presentable was obviously no longer our style (ok, ok, we all know it’s never really been my style but we can’t tard Lyvette with the same brush).

I guess what I’m trying to say Australia is that we judged you too soon. And we apologise.

It wasn’t you, it was us. Because in truth, you’re great you are. No, you will never be Asia but you are one of your own and we did fall for you a little, once we’d come round and got off our high travelling horses. Once we’d purchased clothes that didn’t make us look like we were colour blind trainers at an Asian monkey temple. Once we’d accepted you with an open mind and delved into your delights (which are many). And once we’d travelled a bit we enjoyed you even more – you have a lot to offer. And we get that now. I mean I must like you a little bit because I picked eggplants (I’m even speaking your language now) for 3 months to enable me to extend my visa. And although this was a hideous task which left me with a rash that even Asia couldn’t induce (high five to that btw) it was an experience that was up there with the best. I even got to eat food with my hands again and pee in bushes. I got to fend off brown snakes and avoid naughty spiders. Something I feel everyone should experience in this country, dicing with deadly wildlife is essential. Naturally Lyvette wouldn’t agree on this point.

The only thing I haven’t informed you of yet is my final 7 weeks here and I know you’re wondering what’s been happening since I left the land of farming, so let me quickly fill you in. I flew back to Sydney, very excited to be back in civilisation and especially excited to get rid of my eggplant rash (Lyvette was already back in Sydders loving life). And basically I’ve worked, played and laughed – you delivered yet again Australia. I even took the hoover to the beach one day. Then we all went out for a civilised meal at my old Indian restaurant and this ended with me returning home with no shoes, no phone, a bag that stank of curry, a taxi receipt (definitely don’t remember a taxi) and a $39 bill from 7-11. And then I nearly vomited on my managing director at work the next day. And then I went to my evening job at a pub, after my day job, and made my boss hold me and stroke my hair. He told me I was being “needy and hungover” – definitely didn’t appreciate his attitude during this situation. The next day I was explaining the ‘being needy and hungover’ situation to Lyvette and right on cue a bird flew over and shit on my mouth. It actually, shit. On. My. Mouth. Australia – next time I’m feeling needy in your country I don’t require this sort of attention. Please address this. I’d expect this sort of behaviour from Asia, not you.

I also enjoyed some delightful runs with Rosie (my former triathlete friend from uni) which included whale watching and a near death experience in the National park. One delightful Saturday morning we decide to embark on a casual 28k run across the coastal path in said park, armed with Rosie’s new Camel Bak and some jelly snakes. These essentials came from Rosie as naturally I didn’t take anything. Because I’m an idiot and winging it is my style. And then a branch fell from the sky and narrowly missed my head blocking the path in front of me. I was nearly slaughtered by a killer branch (Australia maybe you could try and keep your branches in check a bit more please?)

And then Rosie threw herself from the path and dived into the shrubbery as she gracefully twisted her ankle. As she went down, I feared for her life so I did what most good friends would do and decided to eat a jelly snake. Just kidding. We actually held hands for one pivotal moment (especially for me who detests hand holding) and then carried on our merry way. The 28k ended with a much needed DELD (Dramatic Emergency Lie Down) and I struggled to get up and down the stairs at work later that night. It was a beautiful run and a great day.

Especially when later that evening Rosie was trying to get Glastonbury tickets but was declined because the photograph on her ID didn’t match up to her selected gender. A confidence booster if ever there was one. I laughed so hard I snorted up a jelly snake.

Oh, and also Australia you provided me with my first ever Tinder date (TD). One day I was just lying there pondering life and thought ‘what the hell’ I’ll give this a go. So I did, I entered the world of Tinder for one week only. So we met for a beverage, or two. Or Three. Ok, possibly five. The date was going swimmingly, with me rambling on about my lack of toenails and how I got a £1.50 Indian haircut. Just as an FYI you were mentioned a few times, Australia, we discussed our feelings for you, just so you know. TD knows all about how you blossomed in my heart. Anyway, the date ended as every first date does, with me sniffing TD’s sleeping housemates hair and riding around on a segway. What can I say, I’m a catch. I’m not sure it’s what TD envisaged but I had a great old time. Secretly I think he did to.

And that’s about where we’re up to Australia. I’ve decided not to do my second year straight away. It’s not because I don’t like you, I really, really do. Lyvette does too. She shares the same feelings as me, except she hates your flies more. But she loves your kangaroos, they’re her fave marsupials. We’ve secretly become quite fond of you.

Anyway, we’ve decided that you’re great and we’ve had an absolute ball but it’s a big old world out there and the love of our life, Asia, beckons us again. But we can’t thank you enough. We’re sorry we judged you so soon and we hope you accept our apology.

So I guess what I’m trying to say, Australia, on behalf of both of us, is thank you.

Thank you.

Lots of love Heather and Lyvette.